


Just Stay A While

by Gallavich4ever



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Clingy Connor, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan calling Connor Angel, Evan loves Connor, M/M, Not much fluff here, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, The sweetest pet names, Treebros, connor loves evan, darker fic, not a oneshot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29628612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gallavich4ever/pseuds/Gallavich4ever
Summary: Connor Murphy is quite broken. It’s lucky he has Evan Hansen to take care of him.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15





	Just Stay A While

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends! Please make sure you’re reading the tags. This is a darker fic than some of my others so don’t expect much in the way of cute fluff or happiness. This fic is really just Connor having absolutely no one else except Evan and Evan being 100% okay with that and helping Connor with his issues. 
> 
> Also chapter 1 is my first 2000+ word thing ever and I am fucking proud of that! Enjoy :)

Evan Hansen is not the sort of boy that ever really stops worrying. From the second he had met Connor Murphy up until the present, he had always worried about him. Connor, of course, never did all that much to alleviate any of Evan’s fears. He suffered with a horrible depression, for one, and could never seem to pluck himself fully out of it even with his boyfriend’s help.

But then there was the fact that in the three months they’d been in a relationship, Evan has barely witnessed Connor eat anything. He tries to question it, but Connor says he’s fine. That’s all he ever says, really. Evan knows it’s because Connor’s used to being left behind and forgotten, and is, admittedly, a little touched at the lengths Connor is going to in order to try to appear as ‘normal’ and ‘perfect’ as he can. But mostly he’s just worried, because Connor is trying far too hard and all it seems to be doing is stressing him out more, and besides that, Evan would be in love with Connor even if he grew six extra sets of eyes spontaneously. He has no plans to ever leave Connor, but he doesn’t know how to convince the taller boy of that. And anyway he hates confrontation, so he lets all the little things go. Just tries to hug Connor more, kiss him more, tell him he loves him, always compliments him, and takes care of him during his inevitable breakdowns. The one that occurs on this particular evening ends up being one of the worst Evan’s ever seen in their time together.

Connor’s come over for dinner again, like he always does every night because dinner at his own house is a sad affair and here at least he feels loved and cared for. He eats everything on his plate and then some before slinking off to the restroom like he does after every meal. Evan’s always found it a bit odd, but he refuses to accuse Connor of anything. The absolute last thing his amazing boyfriend needs is anymore stress. 

Connor, for his part, has been having a particularly bad day. So much so that he almost had not come to the Hansen’s for dinner tonight. But he’d craved Heidi’s loving, sweet smile and the safety he could really only ever feel when he was here or around Evan. He always craves it too much to stay away, and he’s always terrified that this little safe haven of his is going to be torn straight from his grasp at a moment’s notice. 

Larry had yelled again this morning. His mother had done nothing. Zoe had scowled. Everyone at school had called him a freak. And the worst part was that Evan was working on a school project with Jared, who was his partner for said project, and he hadn’t been able to interact as much with Connor today. Connor knows he shouldn’t feel upset, knows Evan has a life outside of him he needs to tend to, knows Evan wasn’t purposely trying not to spend time with him today, but it’s been _bad_ today and he’s feeling very affection starved and he just needs to make himself beautiful and attractive for Evan again so that at least his own boyfriend will hopefully not be able to ignore him tomorrow. So when dinner’s over, he does one of the few things that can help: he goes into Evan’s bathroom and makes himself vomit over the toilet bowl.

Normally, he won’t do this at Evan’s house, will barely eat and just puke later when he gets home. But today is just too much. Everything is too much, and Evan doesn’t love him, can’t possibly love him anymore, is getting _bored_ of him most likely. Soon he’ll stop getting invited here, Evan will pretend he doesn’t see him in the hallways at school, and Connor will be _alone_ all over again. 

The vomiting doesn’t help, isn’t nearly enough. So Connor grabs the razor sitting innocently enough on the sink, pushes up his sleeves, and starts to drag it across his skin as tears trickle down his cheek. Not good enough. Not working. None of it is working! He cuts harder, desperate now to feel something other than worthless and unloved, but none of his usual tricks are having the effects he wants. So he panics, and cuts even harder.

He’s unaware of how loudly he’s been until he hears a sound that terrifies him. Someone is knocking on the bathroom door, begging to be let in.

~~~

The thing that first alerts Evan that something might be off is when he hears what sounds like puking upstairs in his bathroom. He leaves his mom alone at the table, giving her no explanation as he races up the stairs calling Connor’s name.

“Connor?? Baby! Open up please!” He cries out, banging hard on the door because Connor is hurting and Evan just needs to hold him and make sure he never hurts again. 

The sound of sobbing has him banging even more. “Connor!” His voice comes out in a high pitched panic as he desperately tries to get his boyfriend’s attention. “CONNOR, _please!_ Just unlock the door, baby! Just let me in, please? Please just let me in, Angel. I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

These are the words that seem to make the sobbing pause. “E-Evan?” Connor sounds so small, but he’s talking and that means he’s alive and Evan’s sobbing in relief.

“Thank _god,_ sweetheart! Let me in, okay? I need to hold you.”

“It isn’t working,” Connor sounds absolutely shattered and broken, even as the door carefully opens to reveal his boyfriend’s tear stained face. “I threw up and I cut and I tried to make myself good enough so you’d never ignore me again but it didn’t _work,_ Evan.”

“Ignore you??” Evan’s heart twists in guilt. The project. He should’ve just left Jared to work on it alone. He, of all people, knows how sensitive Connor is, how much the taller boy needs to be cared for, how little love and affection he actually gets from anyone else, how Evan’s the only one he can get that care from. “Never, sweetheart. I could never ignore you. If you’d needed me today I was only a text away,” he pushes the door open just wide enough to slip inside, and takes Connor’s arms in his own. “Oh, _Angel,”_ he sighs, relieved at least that the cuts aren’t deep enough to need medical attention. After Connor’s first suicide attempt, hospitals are a massive trigger for the taller boy.

“I’m sorry,” Connor whimpers, flinching away as if he fully expects to either be hit, yelled at, or broken up with. Evan’s instantly wrapping his arms tightly around the taller boy to prove otherwise.

“Shh Shh. You never have a thing to be sorry for, remember?” He asks. “Now, we’re going to cuddle, I promise, but first I want to fix your arms up. Is that okay? Then I promise you can spend the night and I will not once let go of you for any reason at all. I’ll take care of you.”

Connor almost whines at the words. He needs that so much, to be held and loved and cared for. “Please-Evan-I-bad day-need you to-“

“Shush,” Evan’s tone is so gentle and reassuring. Connor can’t get enough of it. “Anything you need. Since tomorrow is Saturday we can have an extended mental health weekend, okay? You’re not alone, Connor. I feel bad that you ever thought I would ignore you, under any circumstances.”

Connor wants to nuzzle into Evan. This is the part he always hates: the part where Evan lets go to grab the first aid kit, because it’s yet another moment of today that he isn’t completely wrapped tightly around the other boy.

“Shh, it’s alright, Angel,” Evan reluctantly and gently pries Connor off of him, heart shattering at the desperate whine Connor makes as he tries to reach out and grab a hold of him again. “No no, sweetheart. Not going anywhere except my bedroom to grab the first aid kit. Just need to patch you up again and then you can have all the cuddles and kisses you want.”

Usually just having Evan in sight is enough to calm the broken boy, but today’s been especially bad, and Connor grabs Evan’s arm, nails digging into his skin in a desperate attempt to be close. With Connor being much worse off today than usual, Evan instantly wraps an arm around Connor’s waist, pulling him close and leading him back to his bedroom where he keeps the first aid kit for when this happens. Normally he’ll settle Connor on the bed and let him curl up there while he gets everything prepared, but seeing as Connor’s still got a death grip on him that’s beginning to turn his knuckles sheet white, Evan doesn’t dare make it worse. If Connor needs to hold him to feel safe, then so be it.

Of course, it really starts to become a desperate situation when Evan finds he needs the use of both his hands to patch up Connor’s numerous self harm wounds, but Connor still won’t let go.

“Baby?” He tries, but Connor, seeming to read his mind, is already gripping onto him impossibly tighter. For someone so skinny, he has quite the grip. “Angel please. I have to clean out your wounds. Can’t we do that? I’ll be right here. I won’t leave you. You have to trust me, Connor.”

But Connor’s shaking his head, the panic clear in his eyes, and Evan once again curses himself for barely offering any kind of affection to him at school today due to that stupid project.

“Okay. How about we do this,” he tries. “You can cling to my leg, that way you’ll be sure that I won’t be going anywhere and I can still do what I need to do with your arms. Is that a good compromise, sweetheart?”

Connor seems to really consider it, and though there’s still an immense amount of distrust in his eyes, eventually he slowly moves from being attached to Evan like a koala, to digging his nails into the space just above his knee instead.

“Good, see? Not going anywhere, sweet boy,” Evan reassures as he begins cleaning out the wounds. Connor watches him very closely, obviously reading Evan for any signs that he’s suddenly just going to bolt from his own house and never come back again. Evan’s done this enough times to learn not to take it personally.

When Connor’s this keyed up, he doesn’t always think the most logically, and it can usually take quite a bit of time to get him back down to baseline. Some would say his paranoia was a bit extreme, but Evan doesn’t mind. He tries to see it in a somewhat positive light: he’s the person Connor trusts and loves and values most. It’s a nice feeling to have because not many people would trust someone with as much anxiety as Evan Hansen to take care of them. But Connor does, and that’s special.

He’s barely finished cleaning the last of the wounds when Connor’s throwing his arms around him again. This time Evan can feel slight tremors as he holds him back. This has really been an unnecessarily bad day for his poor angel. 

“There, Shh. Don’t I always keep my word to you?” Evan asks as he lays them both down on the bed, allowing Connor to curl into him.

“Sorry,” Connor whimpers brokenly, and Evan kisses his head.

“Just a trauma response, baby. Doesn’t make me think any less of you at all.”

It takes way longer than it normally does; a full two hours for Connor to just get back to baseline, and even then, he isn’t keen on not being directly attached to Evan. The rest of the night is spent in a comfortable silence, Evan shushing and praising Connor on occasion until the two fall asleep.


End file.
